Secrets
by CraigaferTucker
Summary: Craig Tucker has a crush on Kenny McCormick; his best friend. Craig's known as the badass, but he's hurting on the inside. Kenny knows that Craig's hiding something and always lying, but Craig always insists his obvious lies are true. Crenny. DramaRomance
1. Chapter 1

Jealousy. Something... I don't have. Well... more like show. Who am I? Known as the town's asexual emotionless jerk. Know who I am yet? Outer appearance; tall, black hair to my shoulders, dead grey eyes with dark bags underneath them, skinny, and always wearing something blue whether it be a jacket, shoes, pants, shirt, or hat. But I rarely wear hats anymore; even though as a kid I refused to take my chullo off. If you haven't guessed already; I am Craigafer Randolph Tucker. Call me Craigafer, your balls won't exist anymore. To you, or anyone, I'm Craig.

Anyway, back to Jealousy. You're probably thinking... Craig Tucker... Jealous... What? Of who? Why? What year is this and what twisted future are we in? Well.. To get your heads straight, I _am_ jealous. Of Thomas. It's January 2012; and according to the world, we all die this December.

2012, is not my reason for this. Or anything. Thomas is. That little fucking chubby Russian kid with Tourettes. That freak. That kid who might've been cool about 7 years ago.

Yeah. I fucking hate his fucking fat disgusting being with every nerve in my body now. Know why? He stole the love of my life.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, back up. You're probably thinking: Love? Craig can't feel love, he's an asexual emotionless jerk. Well. You're wrong. That's just on the outside. I've told so many people that I'm not interested in any gender. Yes, theres been rumors around the school that I'm gay, and that may be true, but I haven't told anyone that.. Nobody knows. So my sexuality is just a rumor.

Back to Thomas. Who did he steal from me? Kenny. Kenny. James. McCormick. A.K.A. The hottest fucking piece of ass in all of South Park.

And who does Kenny, the whore of the town choose? Thomas. Not me, Not anyone, Thomas. That kid doesn't even go to our school. His freak disorder forces him to be homeschooled. But guess what. The whole town still knows. Everyone knows everyone here. And I get to know the most about Kenny; because we're best friends. Kenny knows the most about me; or so about the mask I put up.

I've told him lies about everything; whereas he's gone far enough into his life, he's broken down crying about it. Like... his dying thing for example. Ever since our close friendship started when we were about 10, he's been telling me that he can't die. He's told me so many times, putting more and more detail into it, I couldn't tell if he was crazy, or just building up bullshit. Until once when we were 14. He supposedly "came back" after dying the day before, and he asked me if I remembered. Of course, I said no. I've never fucking seen Kenny die. That's ridiculous... But then.. when he started telling me for over the 100th time.. he just got so into it, he became emotional. I'd never. Ever. Seen him like that. Ever. I had to believe him. He'd never be so serious about something.

... I like to get off subject, holy shit. ANYFUCKINGWAY. Nobody knows about me. Not even Kenny. He knows about... the obvious stuff. He hasn't seen me laugh since 5th grade. Or smile. Or frown. Or show any emotion. Whenever we have a conversation about me, I change the subject when I run out of lies. The usual questions; Are you gay? Why haven't you smiled in so long? Why are you so dead-looking? Do you like anyone? Are you a virgin?

The list goes on and on. The answers I'd give him would be, No, Because I don't smile, because this is my face, no I hate everyone, and Yes, I am a virgin.

Funny how all of those answers were lies.

I can't tell whether he believes me or not. Either way, he just lets it go. And tells me more about himself. To be honest, I love to hear about him. Any time I have with him, I call sacred. I am deeply in love with him. Do I show it? Pft. No. Never. But guess what, world. I do love him. Probably more than that fucking alien monkey freak he's dating now.

Whenever Kenny tells me something, I get a feeling of happiness in my chest. Well... Not happiness...persay. Just this feeling... of being wanted. Or something gay like that... Whatever. Even if what he's sharing is a family problem, or any problem. I just love to listen to his perfect voice talking..

Now I'm sounding like a 12 year old girl with her first crush... great. Sadly, this is all true. Maybe.. Just maybe.. if he ever said he'd love me.. I'd smile and show my crooked teeth with a somewhat noticible gap in my two front ones. I'd be sooo happy...

If I remembered what it felt like to be happy. If I remembered what it even felt like to have the need to show emotions. Even if they were subtle. They'd still show.

Nobody knows the real reasons for anything. I get asked sometimes in the hallways at school about why I'm so mysterious. I could get asked if I was Kenny's fuck toy one day, then be asked about my dark eye bags the next.

I fucking wish I was Kenny's fuck toy.. It'd be one step closer to love.

If someone looked at me, without studying my body, inside and out, they'd think I was a normal kid who probably just has an insecurity about his teeth, so he doesn't smile.

People need to look closer. They'd be surprised at what they'd find within the walls of my brain. It's not pretty.

I hide well.


	2. Chapter 2

You know that feeling when everything you do just seems wrong? Because that's what I fucking feel like right now. All I can say at the moment.. is fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I told Kenny. He knows my feelings for him. Uh...Sorta. My drunken memory is horrible. I get so drunk sometimes, I say and do fucked up things that I'd never do sober.

And now he hates me.

To be exact; this is what happened within the past week. In precise detail:

~I couldn't take it anymore. Every fucking thing that's been done to me. I need to fucking escape..

I reached under my bed and pulled out a half-gone bottle of vodka. This shit is my fucking lifesaver. Glad I was home alone, I chugged some of the throat-burning liquid, coughing after the sudden ingestion of so much. I looked at the bottle, slightly shivering at the sensation in my body. I instantaneously became drunk from the mostly-pure alcohol.

"mgmnhgmm", I slurred, taking another burning sip; throwing up not too long afterwards.

My body began to lead my fried brain out of my house, and down thr street to the ghetto side past the train tracks to Kenny's tiny run-down house. I drunkenly knocked on the door, then kicked it a couple times when nobody had answered seconds later. Soon, which seemed like forever, Kenny finally opened the door.

"Oh... Sup, Craig." He said in his perfect voice.

"Heeey baaabbe~" I slurred; eyes half closed; stumbling a bit into him.

".. You're drunk, I see." He chuckled. Kenny's laugh.. So amazing. Anything about him is amazing.

"Shhhh! Dohnnt teehhll anyone!" I pushed myself past him, stumbling into his house, tripping over my feet, and falling to the floor. He helped me up. I stared at him and poked his chest. "Yooouuhh.."

"Me?" He chuckled. "You're interesting when you're drunk. And don't try to convince me otherwise. Your breath has vodka written all over it."

"Whuh...I uhh...Fhhhnf." Was all I was able to make out.

"English please?"

I shook my head and snorted, poking his chest again. "I looove youuu~." I said, then licked his cheek. He made a disgusted noise then took my wrist; dragging me to his room.

"You, my friend.. Need to chill." He muttered to me, making me sit down on his small, squeaky bed. "You've brought yourself to believe you like me. Tch Tch Tch.." He smirked and poked my forehead. "Guess I can't blame ya." He chuckled again, clearly having fun with this.

I looked at him. "I doooo Luuhve yoou~!" I stuck my tongue out at him, acting totally different due to the immense vodka intake.

"Yeah, Okay, Craig." He shook his head a bit, smiling beautifully.

"nyeeehh" I mumbled, throwing up on the floor, then passing out on Kenny's bed. Passing out drunk is the only way I'd be able to sleep for more than three hours.

I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache. "... Mghh.. Ow.." I mumbled, looking at Kenny who was sitting on the floor by the bed, looking at me with tired eyes. He yawned.

"Ngh. Jesus, man. How do you do it?" Another yawn. "I just pulled an allnighter to watch you to see if you would accidentally puke in your sleep or something."

I took Kenny's ripped, flat pillow and put it over my face to block the light. "Well. Can you turn off the light? And while your ass is up, you should get me aspirin."

Kenny scoffed. "I have Ghetto stolen convience store brand aspirin that sucks tits. Want that?"

"Yeah whatever," I pressed the pillow to my face harder, Trying to fall back into that state of unconsciousness that I rarely get.

Kenny soon came back. I could hear the smile in his voice. Something I'm incapable of in front of people. "You're gonna suffocate, retard." He places something down on the floor and took the pillow off my face. The room was not as bright, for Kenny listened to me by turning the light off. He took the glass of water that he had placed on the floor, and handed it to me; then popping two ghetto aspirins in my hand. "This might or might not help." He yawned again. "let's hope it helps."

I swallowed the pills along with the water. Kenny looked down at me. "So.. You didn't answer me before."

"What did you ask me.." I muttered, stretching a bit.

He scoffed, showing off his amazing smirk. "How do you do it?"

"Do what."

"Not sleep." He yawned again. I had lost count by how many times he's yawned in the past few minutes. "I haven't seen you sleep ever since we were younger. Plus the darkish huge ass bags under your eyes kinda make it more obvious."

"I don't know. I just don't." I simply replied, sitting up in the bed. Kenny sat down next to me. We turned to face each other.

"_Do_ you sleep? Other than when you pass out drunk?"

I nodded. "Yeah.. Not too often though.." I avoided his eyes, like always when we have a conversation about myself.

"Why?" he asked. I could feel his eyes on me, even though I refused to look into his.

"Because I have insomnia. How difficult is that to fucking figure out."

"It's difficult to figure out because I know absolutely nothing about you." His voice has a bit of a tone in it. "I'm... totally not trying to be rude here, because frankly, I love you, man. You're my bro. My best friend. But You know me inside and out. I can tell you anything, and I feel like your hiding yourself from me."

"Why are you throwing this on me all of a sudden? I have a splitting fucking headache right now."

He ignored my words and asked me. "Do you have a crush on me at all?"

That really caught me off-guard. Of course, I wanted to say yes, but I shook my head, not showing any hint of surprise on my face at all. "Why would you ask me that."

"Do you remember anything yesterday? Saying anything?"

I shook my head.

"You said you loved me. Twice. And called me babe when you walked into my house."

I rolled my eyes, showing no care whatsoever; when in my mind, I'm scared. Really. Fucking. Scared. I said flatly, "I was wasted."

"No shit, man. But I read some shit on Stan's computer one time. That some people express their true feelings towards someone while high or drunk. If you like me, It's fine, I don't blame you; I'm hot. Just can't picture you actually feeling compassion or love towards anything. You're a fucking heartless zombie, Craig."

I wasn't sure how to feel about that last thing Kenny said. Was it an insult? I don't know. I just remained silent.

"Dude. Craig. You expect me to say you're anything else? You don't care about _anything_. You stare blankly into space and refuse to show ANY emotion. You're paler than the color white, and you're most likely almost underweight. You're a zombie, dude. Just smile or fucking do something. Maybe if you did like me, you'd show some emotion. If you just so happen to, and still act like this... I don't know what to think. At all."

I stayed quiet for a moment before quietly speaking up. "Can we just get off the subject." Before I fucking scream?

"You say that every time we talk about you. How is it, that you know everything about me. Every-fucking-thing. And I know nothing about you other than your name. And we're supposedly 'best friends'." He shook his head a bit. "look in my eyes."

I locked my dull gray eyes to his bright blue ones. "You know everything." Holy fucking lie.

He shook his head. "You're fucking kidding me. If I was your real best friend, I'd know why you act like this. I'd know everything. Just like you know everything about me. From my fucked up family problems to why I hate being a part-time prostitute. I know nothing about you, Craig.. Nothing. And I'm starting to regret telling you my innermost sacred fucking secrets. Because you clearly don't trust me enough to tell me yours. Or _anything_ about you. I wish you were still like you were when you were 10. You actually expressed yourself more, and smiled sometimes."

"...My teeth are fucked..." That was all I could say. Kenny just scoffed.

"Yeah fucking right. So what if they're a little crooked? Doesn't mean you shouldn't smile. Or act like... This! I miss the old you, man. The you I became best friends with."

"We all fucking miss things, Kenny. But I told you _everything_ I could. Don't wanna believe me? Fine." That was somewhat true..

I got this turning feeling in my stomach. Not as if I was going to throw up, but just... that feeling that I know something's gonna go horribly wrong.

"I don't believe you. At all. You have a reason. I know you do. Everyone does. It's how life is. Maybe we shouldn't be best friends, or anything anymore. To be honest, I'm sick of you. Your whole zombie thing? I can't stand it. I want in. At first, I didn't mind. I thought, 'Well, Okay. He needs his time to come up to tell me about it.' You know when I thought that? Hm? 5 years ago. Almost 6." He got up and pointed to his bedroom door. "There's the door, Craig. Use it. If you ever decide to come to your senses and actually tell me something and act like a best friend? I'll be here. ..And... Thomas might be here too if you show up at the wrong time, But you get my point."

I looked at him. He wants me to leave. He's pissed off at me. He hates me. I'm sorry. "What-fucking-ever. Wanna hate me along with everyone else? Okay, cool." I stood up and walked out of his bedroom, slamming the door; doing the same with his front door.

Was this because I told him I "loved" him? Whatever. He hates me. And that's all I care about.

I speed-walked to my house, sprinting up the stairs, and into my room; then slamming the door. I laid on my bed, stuffing my face in my pillow, feeling my eyes well up with tears.

I'd never experienced it before. Out of all the things I have gone through, heartbreak isn't one of them. I've heard how bad it hurts. I never thought it'd be this bad. To know that the person you're deeply in love with, _hates _your fucking guts.

My fingers dug deep into my pillow as I began to sob. My heart is gone. So fucking gone. Nobody thinks it was there to begin with, so what's the point?

The heartbroken feeling just kept on getting worse. I didn't even attempt to calm down. I let the tears fall. I let the sobs out. I let my body shake. I let everything happen in hopes to just cry myself out. Maybe, I figured, Maybe if I just cried for hours on end, I'd be better. The feelings would be gone. That theory was gone almost immidiately after I had thought it. With every tear, and every sob, the feeling just got worse. I couldn't shake the fact that Kenny hates me. He makes me feel wanted. Needed. Now, I feel worthless...

I closed my eyes in hopes of crying myself to sleep. Not happening. I sighed, wiping the last of the tears that have been falling for about an hour. I curled up in a ball on my bed, staring at the walls of my room. My mouth felt weird. I hate that gooey feeling you get after crying.

What? This isn't the first time Craig's dared to shed a tear? Honey, you don't know the fucking half of it. Nobody does.

I had that feeling again. That feeling I have when I go days without seeing Kenny, or when I see Kenny with his freak of a boyfriend. I feel worthless. And now that he hates me, I know I am. I clenched my fists, my longish nails digging into my hands, hard enough to break skin and slightly bleed. I ignored the pain, digging my nails deeper over old scars from doing the same thing many times. My palms are covered in scars by doing this. Nobody would know because nobody seems to look close enough... And the fact that I always wear sleeves long enough to cover it.~

..And that's what went down. Now, I'm doing absolutely nothing other than surfing through the internet on my iPhone 4 I had bought myself after saving up from working at K-Mart. I got fired not too long ago because I never showed up for work anymore.

I couldn't go. For the same reasons why I don't go to school too much. The same reason why I am the way I am.

Him.


	3. Chapter 3

My cell phone vibrated on the table by me. It was a text from Tweek. I haven't talked to this kid in a while. He waves to me sometimes in the hallways of school, but we haven't had a decent conversation in over two years. The text caught me by surprise. I didn't even think he still had my number. I read over the text. It read;

_**r u okay? u havnt been in skool 4 ovr 2 weeks and im kinda worried. u prob think i h8 u. i dnt. i just dnt think u care enough to b my friend. plz text me back.. :( i hope ur not hurt or sick. **_

I looked over the text and scoffed. I am hurt. And sick. Sick in the head. Not like I was actually going to tell him that. I'm currently in the hospital due to internal bleeding, several fractured bones, and a concussion. Why am I in this condition? Well... You'll know soon enough.

I texted Tweek back. I always had the urge to go grammar Nazi on him. His typing makes me want to shoot young children. It's because of his twitching and shaking. I know he'd type normal, but his spazz-ness makes him unable to concentrate enough to do so. And I'm ranting over typing. The fuck...

_**I'm fine. Just skipping out on school. It pisses me the fuck off. **_

I thought that'd be good enough to send. Believable, right? I stared at the phone for a few moments after sending. I put it back on the table when I didn't get anything back after five or so minutes. I grazed my eyes around the hospital room; letting out a sigh.

I almost died a couple weeks ago. He fucked me up pretty bad.. If I was unconscious for any longer, it would've been too late.

Maybe I made a mistake by dialing 9-1-1 and having an ambulance take me away.

I know when I go home, it's just going to happen again. Worse. It's fine. Nobody will miss me when he kills me. Not even Kenny. Not anybody. Tweek will get over it. Not like he even cares /that/ much. I barely talk to him.

The one thing I want right now, is for Kenny to step foot in this room, and to stay here with me for the next two weeks I'm stuck here. My last two weeks to live. Oh well.

I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. Maybe if I pretended to sleep, it might actually happen. Nobody's gonna visit me. Nobody has within the past couple weeks. I don't mind that. Nobody knows I'm here except for my father; who refuses to step foot here.

The one thing that breaks me inside, is that I haven't heard from Kenny. He didn't even call or text me to ask if I was okay. My answer would've still been the same. Something along the lines of "Yeah, just skipping school. Nothing to worry about." Just to know he cares, is enough.

But no. Nothing.

I shifted a bit, being careful of my fractured left wrist. I slowly relaxed, falling into a state of nothingness. Not sleep, but not totally aware of anything. I wasn't even tired. Just...in the need of relaxation.

In some amount of time later, I heard my room door open. Before opening my eyes to see who it was, I was imagining it was Kenny. Somehow finding out about me, coming here to visit me. Maybe even save me from _him_. But when I opened my eyes, it was just my nurse coming to give me fluids for my IV.

"That car accident must've been pretty rough, huh?" She asked, unscrewing the tube from my IV. I nodded, looking down at the hand she was working on. The story for me being here was that I got hit by a car. These dumbass doctors will believe anything. "Does any of your friends know you're here?" She asked. "Your visitor sign-in sheet is blank." This nurse was nice. She looked like she was about in her mid 30s. Motherly. Something that walked away from my life about five years ago.

I simply shrugged as she put a new tube to my IV.

"You don't like talking, do you?" I shook my head. I used to be more social. Monotonous in my ways, but I'd talk. Now, I don't even have the desire. The nurse frowned slightly. "You seem like you'd have a lot of friends. A good-looking teenage boy like you must have a girlfriend, am I right?" Haha. No. Not even. I shrugged again. She furrowed an eyebrow. "I'm sure someone will come to visit you. Maybe your best friend or parents or something." She smiled lovingly. "I promise they will. They're probably just busy caught up in work or school." No. You're so off, lady. She finished hooking up the new fluids. "I have to go check on other patients. I'll be back to check on your condition in a few hours." And with that, the nurse left.

I closed my eyes, going back to my state of nothingness, eventually falling to sleep on my own for the first time in almost a month.

_"I love you, Craig..." His beautiful voice said to me. I smiled. _Smiled._ Only for him, would I do that. Only for Kenny. _

_"I love you too, Ken.. so much." I pressed my lips to his, running hands through his thick, blonde hair. He chuckled in the kiss, making the kiss a bit more passionate before pulling away._

_"You're everything I want..Everything and anything..." He mumbled to me; placing a hand on my face. I smiled again; this time blushing a bit. "You're so beautiful, Craig..." I shook my head._

_"Lies." I said.. "You're so much...more amazing than I am." I kissed his cheek. _

_I shouldn't have done that. _

_Once I kissed his cheek, he started crying. Not tears. Blood. It wasn't technically..crying. His eyes just began to leak blood. Then he backed away from me a bit, smiling at me. Kenny's perfect white teeth were now a disgusting dark brown; gums bleeding as well as his eyes. His next words came out in a deep, gravelly voice that belonged to a demon. _

_"You fucking piece of shit. You're the stupidest fucking faggot to ever have lived on this planet. I hate you...so much."_

_I looked into his bleeding eyes, unable to register the fact that he had said it to my face, letting alone that his angel's face is now a devil's. _

_I stayed silent._

_"Go kill yourself, cocksucker. I've known you've loved me. I've known everything! I know you father abuses you. I know you hurt yourself. I know every-fucking-thing about you. I've been leading your fucking disgusting ass on. I've hated you ever since our 'friendship' began." He took out a knife, holding it to my neck. I was shocked frozen. Unable to move. Unable to speak. Unable to think. "I'm just going to finish you off, you fucking piece of shit." He spat some of the blood dripping from his gums in my face. "Die." Was the last word he said to me before digging the knife into my neck, slicing my throat open; death instantly._

I woke up, gasping. My cheeks had tears streaming down them. The nurse from before was standing by me. She had an obvious frown on her face. I immediately wiped my eyes then looked at her. "Oh thank God you're awake.. I came in here to check on you, and I noticed you were crying, but then I saw that your eyes were closed and you looked like you were sleeping. Well. Are you alright?" I nodded.

Great. This chick has seen me practically bawl my eyes out. Fucking great..

"Well, anyway, the secratary got a call earlier, and there was another boy on the other line." The nurse began. "He was checking to see if you were here or not. Do you know a.. Uh... Kenny McCormick...?"

I froze after hearing that name.

Kenny. McCormick.

I nodded slowly, sitting up in my hospital bed. "Is he coming."

The nurse smiled, nodding. "Yes. Once we were sure he was looking for you, he said he was on his way before hanging up. I told you someone would visit."

I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to be different for Kenny when he came, and not to be the weakling that I usually am; even though he doesn't know about it. I still want to change.

About fifteen minutes later, my door opened. It was Kenny. He had a worried look on his face.

"Holy shit. Dude. What the fuck happened?" He rushed over to me and looked me in the eyes. I'm relieved that I had that dream.. because in reality, Kenny has no clue I love him (for the most part), he doesn't know about my father, and he doesn't know I hurt myself. Not just by digging my nails into my palms. I used to cut. I had to stop. I knew if anything like this was to happen, the doctors would notice it. So instead, I now bite my tongue until I taste blood. I cut myself...sometimes. The only prominent cutting scars on me are a couple slits on my wrist that I did about a month ago. Why do I do this to myself? Because I fucking do.

"Got hit by a car." I muttered, moving my eyes away from his. He probably didn't believe me, but didn't say anything. My bruises and scrapes don't look as if they were from a car. It's obvious I was beaten up. The doctors here don't even care for reasons. Like I stated previously, they'll believe anything.

I shifted a bit to make my back face him. As much as I love to see his face, as much as I just love him in general.. I'm "mad" at him. In reality.. I'm not. It's because he basically kicked me out of his house. I admit, I was angry at first, but I can't be upset with him for too long. I just love him so much.

He sighed. "Shit, man. Was this after I made you leave my house?" He looked a bit nervous, thinking it was his fault. It wasn't. It was mine for arriving home pissed. I should've known better than to be too pissed to get my father a beer. Yeah right...

"No," I said; back still facing him. My next words came out in a whisper. Still flat in tone, but just not strong enough. "...Why are you here."

"Because. I wanted to know if you were okay. I know you skip school sometimes for days at a time, so do I. But after you were fucking gone for a week, I started to get worried. And now it's been over two weeks. I'm so sorry I kicked you out. I'm sorry I said anything. If you don't want to tell me anything, it's fine with me."

I let out a soft sigh. "You're only saying this because you feel bad that I'm in the hospital. You'd never apologize if I was well."

He stayed silent after that. We both knew I was right.

He then muttered, "I know." Then fell silent. The room fell silent as well. The only sound I heard was the machines beeping.

I was the next one to talk. "How long did you plan on staying for."

"..As long as you wanted me here for." He muttered. "... So...how long do you want me here for before kicking me out?"

I thought for a minute. "As long as you'd like. It fucking sucks to be alone in a hospital room for two weeks with only doctors visiting you." I turned back over to look at him. "Well. Not like anyone else knows I'm here other than my father."

"He hasn't visited you?" I shrugged a bit, ignoring the pain shooting through my previously dislocated right shoulder.

"A couple times. He's busy, looking for a job." Lie. Lie. Lie.

Kenny nodded. "Oh. Well, at least someone came and kept you company for a few hours, hm?" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah." No.

"Well. If you don't hate me, I'll come here every day until you leave." I wanted to smile at that. I wanted to hug and thank him. Instead, I just nodded with my regular expression. Nothing he's not used to.

"Cool. Uh... mind if Thomas comes sometimes?"

Yes. I fucking do. I hate fucking little bitch."No. I don't care."

I need to stop being such a compulsive liar.


End file.
